Dear Eliza

 

Dear Eliza,

I know, I know. You don't want to go to school. I know you miss your mom. Uppapan knows! You know how? Uppapan was just like you. I was worse actually, cried the majority of my KG years. So, when we talked the other day, I saw myself there, hiding behind the curtain to stay away from everyone who asks you to go for just one more day. 

I know you miss your dad too, this wasn't part of the plan dear. That’s life, kiddo. But hey, you get to go to the school where Uppapan spent the best days of his life. It doesn't make it any better, I know. But hey, you get to do your swimming lessons. That is great, isn't it?

I know your mom drops you at school everyday, you know How Uppapan used to go to school? Your Koch Appachan used to take me on a cycle. Yea, cycle! From our old house at Niranam, I used to sit in front of a cycle, where I had a mini makeshift seat. I remember how it used to be, from our house till Kadapra I used to talk non-stop and the moment cycle turns left from the now Thomson junction, I would go dead silent. A storm was rising in my tiny heart, waiting to pour down in full might. And it poured every day for 2 years and then one day, the storm made way for a new season. The land that was wet by the torrential rain was now ready for spring.

It wasn’t  any different at home too. Every day there used to be pleas of mercy towards my mom. There were words of flattery too. “I don't want to go to school” I used to cry. And your Koch ammachi would say, “If you don’t go to school, how will you become a big boy?” 

“I don’t want to go to school, I want to stay with you Mom” As much as she liked it, she would never show it. 

Then I would look to the heavens for answer, but now it was time for payback. I would pray with my eyes filled with tears, "Karthave, School idinge veezhane" (Oh Lord, Please destroy the school) It was my first lesson in life, no matter how much you cry and pray for some things, sometime God smiles and turns away.

But then dear, that phase too passed. I found my best days in school, met many friends, made countless memories and finally cried my heart out on the final day of the school when I was walking back from there. 

It’s not that you will not have bad days, you will have many. But then that’s life, you sweep them under the carpet and move on with it. Oh yes, there will be days where you trip over those bumps on the carpet and sit near the sofa and dread about it. I still remember my first day at BCRS, the same place I found everything. I joined BCRS in the seventh grade, it was tough leaving friends I’ve made over the years. And the change felt daunting, it was too much for me. Everything was different, I was used to tables and benches. Here, we had a separate table and chair. How cool is that! I was thrilled. But everything felt new, I was scared. And then a guy who sat next to me asked me something in English. To this day I’ve no idea what he asked me. And I replied in my slow scared voice. “Athe, Enik English athra manasilavila” (I don’t understand English that well) To which he replied, “Poor, very poor”

Even now, when I fight my insecurities while posting a new poem or a blog, that same voice from almost two decades back plays on my mind with the same intensity. And I’ll become the same scared kid I was that day. Yes, it was a simple thing, but it got stuck in my heart. I didn’t cry about it, yet it burns than every warm tear that caressed my face. 

I know dear, this letter was supposed to make you go back to school, not scar you forever. All I’m saying is, there are going to be tough days in every phase as you grow, things that might make you hate school. Now it’s homesickness and missing mom, there will be a different one in few years. Bullying classmates or that Y who keeps asking you to find his X or chemical reactions that fizzles away in mid air. There will always be a reason or two. But nothing compares to the sheer joy and learning you are about to find. Yes, bullies will become best friends, Y will find his X and together start a home in the new town of linear equations. 

So, my dear, don’t hide behind the curtain, put on that blue uniform and embrace the best days of life. And one day, when you come back from school, you may cry then. Not because, you have to go to school tomorrow. Not because you have a project to submit. But for the sheer realisation that it ended. Till then, put on your charm and win them all.

Love

Uppapan